A is for Anxiety - The tale behind the poem
by Savageblue
Summary: Here is the story for the poem I wrote under the title "A is for Anxiety". It was writing itself at the same time I was composing the first one. Enjoy


Here is the story inspired by the poem. I do not usually write in first person, so if there is a first/third shift I apologize. I did try to keep it as correct in the narration as possible. Any mistakes are mine.

I do not own the rights to Emergency and its characters. That belongs to Mark VII Limited and Universal Home Studios Entertainment. I just claim them on loan now and then to put them in my twisted world and see how they survive my insanity.

**A is for Anxiety- The tale behind the poem.**

The building was old, one that should have been torn down years ago, but no new plans for the property and resistance from the owners meant nothing was done. So it stood abandoned and run down. Everyone knew it would be a matter of time before something would happen and we would be called to the scene of a fire there or worse.  
It was toned into the station as a structure collapse with possible people trapped. Some teenagers had been having a party inside and the rumble of walls coming down had caused them to scatter.

They stand outside the building, watching the dust rise from it, as the rubble settles. Some of them look confused, some excited, some guilty. I watch Captain Stanley ask them if there is anyone else in the building, but they shake their heads or shrug. They could not remember how many people were in the building when it started to shift. He turns to us and tells us to get our gear and go inside. He has to make sure there is no one else inside, trapped and needing help. We nod as we run to the squad and grab everything we need to go in and search. I watch my partner as he shoulders on his SCBA tank and adjusts the mask so it will fit tightly to his face.

It is a large building so we will be going in together. Chet Kelly and Marco will be manning our lines as we move inside. I am glad they are here with us. As much of a pain as Chet can be sometimes, there is not anyone else I would want then those two watching our backs.

I look at my partner and he nods. He is ready to go. So am I. We half jog to the open door and wait as the ropes are secured around our waists and suddenly we are ready. Quickly, the masks are in place, and I nod at my partner. We give Marco and Chet a quick thumbs up to let them know we are going in.  
The dust is still settling as we step inside the building. Our flashlights barely putting a dent into the thick clouds in front of us. We call out in the darkness, pausing to hear if anyone answers. Except for the sounds of the building settling, it is silent.  
A tug on my sleeve has me looking in his direction. A jerk of the head shows there is a doorway about fifteen feet away. I nod and together we make our way to it. I test one stair, to make sure it will hold. It seems sturdy enough. I say OK and slowly we inch our way down. We only have a limited amount of air, so I want to make this fast and get out of here. I do not like the feel of this place and something tells me, it doesn't like us here either.

We make it down the stairs without incident and again we yell out to see if someone is down here needing our help. Again, we are met with silence. We push further into the room and the dim beams from our flashlights reveal the party had been down here. There is no sign of anyone still being here. We say without words, "One sweep and lets get out of here."  
Carefully we search the room and decide we were right, no one was still here. I slap his shoulder and get his attention. I point up to convey that it is time to get out of here. He nods and we turn to head back to the stairs.

***E!*E!*E*!E*!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!**

An ominous creak echoes through the room and we freeze as if we had just awoken a sleeping monster. Dust begins to rain down on us and another loud cracking sound makes us jump.  
"Run!" I scream and try to push him away from me. If something is going to come down. I do not want both of us to be buried beneath it. I hope it is enough to send him out of harms way.  
I stumble and nearly fall to my knees. I know both of us have to get out of here. If all of this decides to come down on us, we would both be dead. I do not want to die and I do not want to lose my partner and best friend along the way. I continue to stagger to the doorway. I look up and see he is standing there waiting for me. His eyes are wide and frantic. He can hear the creaking of the floor above us and we both know it is a matter of seconds that stand between death and us.  
I motion for him to back out of the room.  
"Go on! Get out of here!" I yell at him. He takes two steps towards the stairs and then he stops. He hesitates and then makes his way back to me. I don't want him to be here.  
"Get out of here!" I yell at him again. He stands there for a moment, then shakes his head. I can see the determination in his eyes. He isn't going to leave me here alone. He grabs my arm and starts yanking me to the doorway. We know we don't have much time. I am angry at him for staying behind. There is no reason for the two of us to get hurt or killed down here. As he pulls on my arm, I push him in the back, trying to hurry us both along.

The sound of something heavy breaking nearly deafens us. Both us look up and see the ceiling beginning to buckle. Small pieces of debris start raining down on us. There is no time, we have to get out of here. I make up my mind and put both of my hands on my partners back and with all the strength I can gather, I shove him hard. He stumbles through the doorway and loses his balance. He falls to his knees and quickly scrambles to his feet and turns back to me. My eyes lock with his and plead with him to go. He stares at me, a stubbornness glinting in his eyes. He is going to defy my words. He won't leave. He rushes back to my side and grabs my arm again, tugging me towards the door.

There is a loud roar and in a blink of eye I am hurled through the doorway. When I turn back there is nothing there but a pile of broken beams, and rotting wood. I can't see him. My heart catches in my throat.  
"No!" I scream and scurry back to the twisted mess that holds him.

***E!*E!*E*!E*!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!**

The handy talkie squawks to life and I hear the captain's voice asking if we are all right. No we are not all right. I am numb. For a moment I can't remember how to operate the HT on my hip. Captain calls out again and somehow pulls me out of the fog. I fumble with the HT and answer him.  
"The ceiling collapsed, Cap!" I yell.  
"He's trapped in there. I…I need help. Hurry!"  
"10-4. We're on our way."

It seems like days before they come charging down the stairs. It was perhaps two minutes since I told Cap' he was buried, before they come. I have already started to move the fallen rubble away from where I think he is. I am praying under my breath. He has to be all right, he just has to be. He has to be so I can kill him with my bare hands for not going when I told him too.  
I hear the voices of my crew mates as they begin to help me. Cap's voice is barking orders into his HT. He is asking more help to get him out of here. I am dizzy with panic. I cannot let it end this way. They tell me to move back and let them take over, but I cannot. I have to find him. I continue to throw stuff out of the way and try to find some sign of him.

Hands pull me back and out of the room. I am being dragged upstairs and out of the building. I fight, I scream, and I beg to stay down there. Cap tells me other men are coming down to help find him. He wants me to go up to the squad and get the equipment out and ready for when they bring him out. He tells me there is an ambulance on the way. I can only hope when they find him it will be a Code I and not a Code F. I could not bear to lose my friend after all this time together.

***E!*E!*E*!E*!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!**

Once outside I look back at the building that has swallowed my partner in its monstrous maw. I want to be rebellious and rush back down there, but I know Cap is right. I need to be ready to help him when they rescue him. It is not a recovery. He is not dead. I would know it in my heart if he were. We are close. We are bonded. We are brothers.  
I walk to the squad and fling open the doors. I gather up the Biophone, the trauma box and the medicine box. I grab a blanket and set it with the rest of the equipment. I sink to the ground and lean with my back against the squad. I close my eyes, wanting to shut out the daylight. I want to close off the sounds of the room coming down on us.  
Why? Why did he do that? I want to know. I hear feet running past me and into the building, I hear the shouts and calls for pry bars, power equipment, and more men. It takes every ounce of will to stay put. I listen to the handy talkie and try to make out the voices talking back and forth on them. Why is it taking so long?

I am brought back into my thoughts when I hear my name over the HT. It's the Captain and he tells me they found him. I ask him if he wants me down there to check him over. The answer is no. He says they will get him on a backboard and into a stokes and in Cap's words. "Get him the hell out of there." Get out before the rest of the ceiling comes down on him and everyone else down there.  
He's alive. I know that much. They wouldn't have told me he was coming up, if he wasn't. I jump to my feet and start pacing. I just want them to hurry up and bring him to me. That way I can see for myself, how he is.  
I see them coming, carrying the stokes between them. Chet and Marco bringing my partner to me. I motion for them to set him down beside the squad. I ask one of them to relay to Rampart for me, as I check out his injuries. Chet immediately snaps up the phone and calls in to the hospital. I take his blood pressure and get pulse and respiration. I tell Chet what they are and listen as he repeats them to the doctor on call. I open his eyes and use my penlight to see if his pupils are equal and reactive to light. I check each ear for any sign of fluid. My hands run up and down his limbs and chest cavity to find any broken bones. An arm, a shoulder, and several ribs move under my touch. Again I rattle off what I know and Chet repeats it. Chet tells me, the hospital wants me to start an IV. I nod, knowing that was what they were going to say.  
I ask Marco to hand me an IV while I sterilize the skin near the vein and slide in the cannula. He hands me the IV without a word. I feel his eyes on me as I work on my partner.

***E!*E!*E*!E*!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!**

They let me go in with him when we first arrived, but as the minutes grew longer, I was shoved out the door. I am told I will have to wait in the hallway. The protests die on my lips before the treatment room door finishes closing behind the doctor. I want to be in there with him. Dixie manages a half smile at me, her blue eyes serious as she makes her way back into the treatment room. She leaves me here frightened and frustrated. Lineman Marco Lopez drove the squad in behind me as I worked on my partner in the ambulance. He is sitting in the waiting room trying to swallow down the current batch of vile brew they call coffee around here. He tries to talk to me, but I cannot right now. My focus, my fear is all behind that door.

I have been waiting here for what seems like forever, for word on my partner, my friend. I cannot sit down and wait and have been pacing the hall in front of the door to his room. I swear the hands on the clock have stopped or at least slowed down since I arrived here. I push up against the wall when others who need the fine medical team here in Rampart are rolled in and rushed into other rooms. The nurses and doctors give me a brief nod or smile as they recognize me. I try to respond in kind, but my mind is focused elsewhere. Why hasn't someone come out of the room and tell me how he is doing? I hang my head and close my eyes. The waiting is killing me.

"How is he?" Captain Hank Stanley nearly shouts as he and the rest of the engine crew make their way into the Emergency Room. It startles me and I look around until I see him nearly running to reach me. Mike Stoker, our engineer and our other lineman Chet Kelly close behind him. The worry in my eyes is brightly reflected in their own.

"I don't know. He didn't look good in there Cap'." I look at him and let out a long low sigh.  
"Did we get him out in time? There was so much debris crashed down on top of him. I was so afraid by the time we got him out, he was dead." I say aloud.  
Cap can see that it is a huge worry on my mind and he puts his hand on my arm and tries to reassure me that everything is going to be all right.  
"It wasn't your fault." He says softly. A sentiment shared by the rest of the crew as they nod at me.  
"Neither of you knew the floor above you was that weakened. You didn't expect it to come crashing down on you."  
"But I didn't protect him from getting hurt." I nearly yell. Tears sting my eyes and I know I am seconds away from a total breakdown.  
He is my partner and that means I am always suppose to have his back. Why does it feel right now I failed him?  
"I pushed him out of that room and told him to go. He…he came back for me. He pushed me out of the way when it all started to come down."  
I look up into Cap's eyes, mine full of anguish.  
"It should have been me!" I cry out. My hands ball up into fists and I can't control myself anymore.  
I choke back a sob and try to calm down.  
"I tried to get him out, he wouldn't go. I told him to leave. I didn't want both of us to be hurt. Why didn't he listen to me?"  
"Because he wanted both of you to get out safely." Cap answers softly.  
"Don't let this eat you up. He'll be ok." I nod. I know he's right, but still…it hurts to think of him lying there and I can't be with him. I can't help him. I can feel the eyes of the others on me. They know how close we are, hell, everyone knows, but it doesn't change the fact I feel guilty that he got hurt.

***E!*E!*E*!E*!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!*E!**

I am standing there lost in my own thoughts again. I keep going back trying to figure out if there was something else I could have done to keep him from getting hurt. I should have said this, I could have done that. I would have done everything in my power for this to not have happened. I knew that there was no way to have stopped it, but there is no comfort in that for me.

It takes me a few minutes to realize someone is speaking to me. I look up to see Dixie standing in front of me. I feel her hand on my arm and I look down at her, trying to read her expression in her deep blue eyes, but there is nothing there to tell me what I want to know.  
"You can go in for a few minutes." She tells me. I nod.  
I look around at others surrounding me. I get the same look from each of them and finally Cap gives me the ok with a nod.  
"Thanks." I manage to say to them. Thankful they understand.

Dixie takes my arm and guides me to the examining room where they had taken you.  
"Only for a few minutes now." She tells me again. I nod my head, letting her know that I understand. I just want to see him.  
There is no one else in the room as I slip through the door. My eyes glance around the room and finally rest on the examining table where my partner is lying. Dust and blood still are on his face, his eyes tightly closed. I walk as quietly as I can to his side. My eyes are trained to look for any sign of distress and I do it now. His chest rises and falls with each breath and I am relieved to see him breathing without help. Carefully I reach out with shaky fingers and touch him, as if I need to feel him to know he is real.  
I barely hear it, but it is music to my ears. A groan as loud as a whisper, but a sound from him nonetheless. It is the most beautiful sound in the world. I look at his face and realize his eyes are fluttering open. I stare at him as his eyes trace slowly around the room, finally coming to rest on me. I can see that he is in a lot of pain and he is going be a guest here in Rampart for awhile.  
"Welcome back partner." I tell him, glad to be able to say the words.  
"Th…thanks." He rasps. He tries to smile, but the amount of pain he is in stalls it almost before it begins. That's all right though. I know now he is going to OK. I will still worry and be afraid, but I know he wasn't stolen from me today. I smile at him and blink back the tears that threatened to come to the surface. I hear the door open behind me and know my time is up.  
"I have to go. I'll come by later." He nods and closes his eyes again. He is weary. I will let him rest. He already won his battle today. I reach out again and touch him, just wanting to make sure that he is really there in front of me. He is real. I turn to go, his hand reaches out and grabs me. I turn back around to see him smiling at me. There is a tremendous amount of pain in his eyes, but I see relief too. He is alive.  
"S…see you later, partner." He whispers.  
"You just try to keep me away." I tell him. He gives me another slight nod. I watch as his eyes close and his body relaxes. We have seen one another and know that the other is safe.  
"I'll be back partner." I whisper to him. I feel Dixie's hand on my arm to steer me out of the room, but I look back once more. Comforted by getting to see him, I go back to tell the others that he is going to be all right. I feel the anxiety beginning to lift from me, the guilt to follow. It was close, too close, but he is still here, still my partner, still my brother. I am more thankful than words can ever say.


End file.
